My personal thoughts about life with a disability and all other things I consider important in my life.

Sunday, April 29, 2007


I feel as if I and my entire identity is disappearing. Everyone else can leave, but I can't. I can't escape this latest ring of hell I'm in.

What did I do in a previous life and how do I make it right so I don't go through this shit again next time?!

Good news - both cats tested negative to feline leukemia. I've basically decided there's no catching "Black Guy", so will never know about him.
Not so good news - Jaspurr (aka J-man, The Great Jaspurry, Punkin Puss, Red Head, Agent Orange, Monster Mash, Gargantua) has asthma. Probably from his skunking episode 2 summers ago. He got nailed in the face by a direct hit and just hasn't been the same since. So - will have to keep watching him for asthma attacks.

More not so good news. Mom has become non-compliant again. No walking, no drinking, barely eating and not taking her meds in a timely manner.

Things have stalled on the quilt shop. She's lost interest and if that's the case, I'm sunk. LOL - there's no way for me to do that on my own.

Bad news - the garden house needs to be replaced. Most of the rafters are rotted, so I knew I'd need to replace it, but have been hoping for next year. That's a pipe dream. It has to be replaced this year. The roof is leaking massively and with the rafters rotted, there is no way to get up there and have it support whomever trying to repair the roof. Sides have been rotting as well, but have tried to ignore that. LOL

Good news - am trying to keep enough energy to quilt - give me some sanity outlet. Am working on a seaside quilt for my brother's niece. He commissioned me to make it 3 years ago for her college graduation, which is in a month. He finally OK'd the design and such, so am getting to work on it.

But I'm still not able to read 1/10 of what I was a month ago. Can't really understand English when it's spoken to me, and am having a hard time speaking it again.

I woke up killer dizzy from my nap and just want to go back to sleep. Not for another 3 hours.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Lost Wax Method of Life

Goes hand in hand with Meltdown.

Well, life continues to be a series of adventures.

Good news, Mom is doing much better.

Bad news, one of my cats tested + for feline leukemia.

This means I get to have 2 others tested, and if I can catch the third, him tested as well.

Which means I take them all down by myself, which means driving. Which means vertigo.

I got one out of the way today - Mini. She's a doll. Little, pudgy, bowling ball of a doll. But she's negative, so that's good. She's Mom's cat, so I was very worried about the results. Next is Jaspurr on Saturday. He's mine. Then Black Guy - who started this whole thing.

He's got a bum paw and doesn't put weight on it. I put the have a heart trap out and of course I got my other wild child, Cicero in it. He's pictured in from last summer. Sweetest kiddo around. But, he had a warm, safe place to sleep this winter, ate better than most humans and hadn't gotten sick yet when he tested +. So, not a bad way to go I suppose. Better than getting hit, or attacked or caught in a trap and starve, in a fight and die of infection, etc.

So, I have Mom to deal with being intermittently uncooperative regarding her recovery efforts from her surgery. I have the cats to get tested, vaccinated (normal time for it), put down or surgery as the moment requires. Already having Mini going in next Friday for dental work. She has death breath, so I knew this was coming. Have been saving up for it.

Have normal spring clean-up and crap to do. Have the house to take care of. And now have my brother to contend with on a building Mom and I are putting up for a quilting business.

I barely have the eye power to do the research I need, and to now have him pulling out of the work he agreed to do - which is to grade the spot the building is going in and nothing more - is more than my brain can do.

I tried to do my research tonight and it just isn't going to happen. I'm too dizzy. Between taking Mini to the vet and then having to mow - didn't even finish - and cook and clean and do a load of laundry, I'm toast. I want to go to bed and it's 930.

Oh well. Life goes on. I'll figure it out tomorrow.

Sunday, April 22, 2007


Well, it finally happened. I finally had a total meltdown. It only took about 3 weeks to happen.

I've been good with everything that's happened with Mom until 2 days ago.

I overdid the day before by going to the bank and the drugstore - both within a 2 mile radius of the house and then went down to Mom's church - less than a half mile away. That much driving did me in the next day.

How sad is that?!

So, it was then I realized I can't do this. I can, I just think I can't. LOL Make sense?

My limits are so extreme that it just astounds me. All I wanted to was to get away for just a few minutes, all by myself for a change - and I crashed the next day.

And because of the disability, I have everything very carefully scheduled. If I crash one day, it puts the whole schedule in jeapordy. If I get behind on the schedule, things don't get done. And with me being the only one doing them, I can't get behind.

I took yesterday and played outside while doing laundry. Thank GOD for washing machines! It allowed me to get outside where I really feel alive and NORMAL while still staying on schedule.

I have to cook and do some cleaning today, then maybe deal with my brother and his wife this afternoon. I hope he keeps his promise to not bring his dog anymore. I have an injured cat that the dog would be able to catch with no effort. And yes, the dog is a cat-killer. We have 2 indoor and 2 outdoor cats.

Dealing with Dad. Oy. I try to let him do his own thing since the dementia is at a point where adding anything can totally screw him up. But he does have to empty the dishwasher and go to the store once in a while. I really wish "awhile" would become accepted in the English language rather than "a while". Hell, he's pissed as a hornet that he has to change his underwear more than twice a week because I wrote it on his calendar. I'm still feeling the affects of that edict. Oh well. Shower AND change underwear? I am SO cruel.

I also have to rearrange the freezer upstairs so we can have meals to thaw and eat rather than in the big freezer down cellar. You have to understand the fridge freezer is sort of a black hole. You so don't want to start rummaging around in it. But, it needs to be done. So will probably be done today. On the second warm, sunny day of the season. Yeah - just what I want to do. LOL

Oh well. The rules of life have changed.


More Theories on Bees

5/9 Letter To The Editor I Submitted Re: Article Below

Cell phones. Pagers. WiFi. Remote controls. Garage door openers. Portable phones. The list of items using frequencies that “didn’t exist” 40 years ago expands daily. Just because we hadn’t used them doesn’t mean they weren’t being used.

German scientists have found a causal link between Colony Collapse Disorder and wireless usage ( Could it be our latest scientific advances are driving honeybees insane, deaf and blind? It is a distinct possibility.

Noise pollution could, quite possibly, be what is killing this link in the food chain. It is our “canary in the coal mine”.

The silence is deafening.


Are mobile phones wiping out our bees?
Scientists claim radiation from handsets are to blame for mysterious 'colony collapse' of bees
By Geoffrey Lean and Harriet Shawcross
Published: 15 April 2007
It seems like the plot of a particularly far-fetched horror film. But some scientists suggest that our love of the mobile phone could cause massive food shortages, as the world's harvests fail.

They are putting forward the theory that radiation given off by mobile phones and other hi-tech gadgets is a possible answer to one of the more bizarre mysteries ever to happen in the natural world - the abrupt disappearance of the bees that pollinate crops. Late last week, some bee-keepers claimed that the phenomenon - which started in the US, then spread to continental Europe - was beginning to hit Britain as well.

The theory is that radiation from mobile phones interferes with bees' navigation systems, preventing the famously homeloving species from finding their way back to their hives. Improbable as it may seem, there is now evidence to back this up.

Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD) occurs when a hive's inhabitants suddenly disappear, leaving only queens, eggs and a few immature workers, like so many apian Mary Celestes. The vanished bees are never found, but thought to die singly far from home. The parasites, wildlife and other bees that normally raid the honey and pollen left behind when a colony dies, refuse to go anywhere near the abandoned hives.

The alarm was first sounded last autumn, but has now hit half of all American states. The West Coast is thought to have lost 60 per cent of its commercial bee population, with 70 per cent missing on the East Coast.

CCD has since spread to Germany, Switzerland, Spain, Portugal, Italy and Greece. And last week John Chapple, one of London's biggest bee-keepers, announced that 23 of his 40 hives have been abruptly abandoned.

Other apiarists have recorded losses in Scotland, Wales and north-west England, but the Department of the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs insisted: "There is absolutely no evidence of CCD in the UK."

The implications of the spread are alarming. Most of the world's crops depend on pollination by bees. Albert Einstein once said that if the bees disappeared, "man would have only four years of life left".

No one knows why it is happening. Theories involving mites, pesticides, global warming and GM crops have been proposed, but all have drawbacks.

German research has long shown that bees' behaviour changes near power lines.

Now a limited study at Landau University has found that bees refuse to return to their hives when mobile phones are placed nearby. Dr Jochen Kuhn, who carried it out, said this could provide a "hint" to a possible cause.

Dr George Carlo, who headed a massive study by the US government and mobile phone industry of hazards from mobiles in the Nineties, said: "I am convinced the possibility is real."

The case against handsets

Evidence of dangers to people from mobile phones is increasing. But proof is still lacking, largely because many of the biggest perils, such as cancer, take decades to show up.

Most research on cancer has so far proved inconclusive. But an official Finnish study found that people who used the phones for more than 10 years were 40 per cent more likely to get a brain tumour on the same side as they held the handset.

Equally alarming, blue-chip Swedish research revealed that radiation from mobile phones killed off brain cells, suggesting that today's teenagers could go senile in the prime of their lives.

Studies in India and the US have raised the possibility that men who use mobile phones heavily have reduced sperm counts. And, more prosaically, doctors have identified the condition of "text thumb", a form of RSI from constant texting.

Professor Sir William Stewart, who has headed two official inquiries, warned that children under eight should not use mobiles and made a series of safety recommendations, largely ignored by ministers.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Twists and Turns for The Dizzy

Well, I'll try to keep this on point and at least a little focused.

Mom had her surgery. It went well, but not as planned.

They couldn't replace the valve because her aorta is too calcified. The surgeon flipped because Mom had NO signs or symptoms to indicate she was in this bad of shape. The catheterization could have killed her. But it didn't. And she came through the surgery just fine.

She's pinker than I've seen her in over a year, but she's very depressed. Life defined in singular years must be pretty hard to swallow, so I'm not arguing.

I have to research hospitals in hopes of finding another technique that might be used on her. My bro, while GREAT during the initial part of this has slacked off severely, only researching to discount my ideas. I don't get that. But I guess I don't have to.

My sister leaves tomorrow, leaving me to deal with it alone all day long.

The latest storm nailed my ass hard - leaving me dizzier than a dirvish for 4 days now. I'm trying to do some exercises that will bring me back up, but I'm not sure how well it'll work. I'm always behind right now on the learning curve and it'll take me at least 4 more weeks to start feeling 'normal' again.

My aunt will be a Godsend. She's doing errands for me and is willing to do just about anything I ask as I need it. She'll practically live here soon! And that isn't necessarily a good thing. [big smile]

We get along, but it would truly strain our relationship. Mother v. Sister in relationship - I can see huge butting of heads if we don't dance very carefully.

so - that's where I am right now.

To all those at Va Tech - my prayers are with you and your families. It's beyond comprehension how 1 man's torment turns into a community's tragedy. I am so sorry.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Life With A Twist, On The Rocks Please

Well, my life has become far more interesting.

2AM 4/3, my mom had a heart attack. A very mild one, mind you, but a heart attack just the same.

Her lungs filled up, she fought the medics like a wild cat, and finally got enough oxygen that she didn't have to fight for her life by 6AM.

12 hours later, the blood work and EKG finally showed she had one.

After finally getting her O2 sats up in the 90's on oxygen, they sent her for a heart cath. That showed her aortic valve and 1 coronary artery needed massive repairs. Replace the valve, bypass the artery and all will be well. But since the valve means cracking her chest, they're goign to do both at once, this Tuesday.

So, during this time, I'm "the woman of the house". She's sleeping a lot - which I would expect fully. She has 2 new docs who, along with the family doc, have changed her meds alllll around, and so her body needs to adjust yet again.

AND get off cigarettes.

I've abandoned my work for hurricane recovery. I can't do it all. Life is all about choices, and so hear it is. It's changed, I have to change.

It's making me twirl like a dirvish, but hopefully it'll settle down soon. The house is mostly in order. She's mostly stable and needs little supervision. The phone has mostly stopped ringing.

Like all of those mostly's?

So - It has become very interesting and will become more so starting Tuesday when she gets her chest cracked.