My personal thoughts about life with a disability and all other things I consider important in my life.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Sick of it ALL

I am so sick of life. My life actually. I'm sure I'd be happy with someone elses at this point.

I hate crying because it just makes the vertigo worse. But here I am, crying.

And it all started with a simple phone call. My ass of a brother.

Calls to say Happy Father's Day - which makes him golden even though he forgot last year. Dad's all aflutter over it and David bought a big umbrella for the fish pond.

It's a water feature, not a pond. It has 4 gold fish in it, 4 plants - 3 of which I bought, and so much algae it's irridescent. I said I'd keep trying to get the water clear without hurting the fish until July 1 and then all bets are off. Well, I'm not trying anymore. I've told Dad at least a dozen times we needed more plants to cover the surface of thw ater 50-70%. Well, that'll interfere with his fish watching. But, so does the algae so I'm not sure what the problem is.

So, all we - meaning *I* - will have to do is sink a pipe in the ground to put this big umbrella in and it'll shade the pond. What is it about guys dying to be trailer trash? Never mind that there's a flower bed around it that could look good if it didn't have a big umbrella in the middle of it.

And then there's the quilt shop. Mom bought a prefab shed and is buying a long-arm quilter. I'm doing everything in my power to keep that fucking thing as simple and as inexpensive - both now and when in operation - as I possibly can. I have been dizzier this past week than I have been in a YEAR.

My brother waltzes into the picture and professes an oil stove to be the best heating option for out there. Mom just waits with baited breath for his pearls of wisdom. Never mind I've done all the research and am thinking a pellet stove will be far easier AND cleaner to use. David wants to buy a used oil furnace from a mobile home. Oh - I am just tickled senseless over that notion. That alone is a deal breaker. I will not do anymore work on it, I will not work IN it. I will not clean up the oily film left from it, I will not clean up oil spills everytime the asswipes come to fill the tank.

and then there's friends. 1 friend has stopped coming over all together - just can't find the time.
another friend's visits are slowing down considerably - work ya know.
and the other friend just stopped by for the second time in a year. Woo.

I can't get out. I can't drive. I can't do public places with all the noise, movement, people and unfamiliarity.

I'm sick of it. I'm tired of trying to remember all of the things Mom starts, but forgets to finish. I'm tired of trying to remember what to reminder her of, and hope she doesn't get pissed because I'm reminding her. I'm tired of reminding Dad all the time, knowing he'll probably forget. I'm tired of trying to keep the things I *want* to do going while trying to get the things I should or even have to do done AND keep the house clean.

I'm tired of being responsible for 2 other adults when I can barely be responsible for myself. I'm tired of not stepping on toes and trying to make things so Mom doesn't keep saying, "I'm sick of it".

All of the flower beds - she's sick of them. I've spread those flowers everywhere and she's sick of it. That's not the surgery talking either. She said it last year too.

Well tough shit! I like them and they beat mowing! Don't fuckin' look at them if you're so sick of them! It's not like you set foot outdoors anyway!

And she hates rehab. That makes me so angry. I'd give just about anything to be able to go work out for an hour and still have the ability to drive to a store, get groceries and come home alive and not puking.

I can't escape. I hate that.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Latex Allergy Shows Up Late

Well, I'm having a fine and dandy spring. I won't go into details right now because I just keep shaking my head about it.

BUT - have, by process of elimination, found I am becoming more and more allergic to latex.

Wanna know HOW I figured this out- that's the long part of the story, but unprotected elastic has been making me break out BIG time. Just figured that out. I have 2 socks wrapped around my waist under my undies right now. Sub undies. Crap - only me.

Here's what I just found out about co-allergies to latex:

Guess what are co-allergies to latex/rubber?

"avocados, bananas, kiwifruit, papaya or peaches" - all have same or similar proteins to latex.

Now, I've noticed bananas lately - really making my mouth sore, and obviously if I eat too many peaches, and definitely kiwi.

food allergies ranging from itching and pruritus around the oral cavity (oral allergy syndrome: OAS) to generalized urticaria and even anaphylaxis.

List of the Suspected Vegetables
"banana, avocado, potato (sort of. I just don't cook them for myself, but eat them if someone else makes them), tomato, kiwi, chestnut, walnut, passion fruit, pear, grapefruit, mushroom, bell pepper, mango, pineapple, celery, cantaloupe, apple, papaya, almond, buckwheat, fig, lettuce, peach, orange, peanut (have needed to elimate, just haven't), strawberry, pepper, mustard, watermelon, bamboo shoot, carrot, coconut, apricot, loquat, peppermint, soybean, cherry, nectarine...

OK - the highlighted ones are mine - the ones I have stopped eating just because they do something non-allergically adverse to me - or so I thought. That's just a little too freaky for me.

So - as of today, I'll eliminate most of these starting today to see if things settle down.

I am no happy. Are most of these nightshade plants?

Crap. Am on methyl pred right now and it's helping. You have no idea how distracting ITCHING is until it happens to you and you can't get away from it.

AND - read the section on food allergies - they're starting to classify them better so it isn't just anaphylaxis.

It seems like every year something new happens with my health. And it's rarely, if ever, good.
I've always been confident about living until 100. My childhood wasn't very healthful, tonsils were the culprit. So I figured I was certain to have a great adulthood.

So now I have the vertigo. I don't think anyone, doctors, patients, researchers, etc., have a clue to how much stress this constant imbalance, dizziness, cognitive dysfunction, vertigo attacks and everything else that goes with it puts on a body. I feel like I'm aging 2 years for every 1.

And every year, a new allergy. I keep trying to minimize them, but every once in awhile, I just can't. I see life in a more realistic perspective. I'm not going to live until I'm 100. I'll be lucky to make it to 70. How am I supposed to live life to the fullest, knowing how few years I have left if it's life itself making it so I can't?

Having grown up in the true American spirit of fairy tales and living happily ever after, I know that at age 41, disabled, increasing medical problems and virtually no way to socialize, I'm NOT going to find someone to call a life partner/husband/significant other. Considering the last one dumped me because of my allergies and then the vertigo, how in hell can I expect someone to accept me this way? I've seen it too many times that the woman is dumped when she gets sick. But by God she better stick around if the guy has something happen.

If, when I die, I find out there's no heaven, no 'reason' for this life other than to pass oxygen and carbon around, I will find a way to haunt every clergy person of every faith on the planet until they go insane for lying through their teeth at us sheep, saying there's a reason we are alive.

Ya think I'm tired?

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Sunday, June 03, 2007

Global Warming Theory

Short and sweet...

Combustion engines are the least efficient energy source know. This included all mammal bodies. Their primary byproduct isn't gases, but heat.

And while mammal bodies are the most efficient of all combustion engines, it's still only in the 30% range, with human bodies giving off just a bit more heat than a 100 watt incadescent bulb.

So - forgetting green house gases, look at every combustion engine on Earth today. Record numbers of human bodies, record numbers of new manufactured combustion engines on an annual basis in both developed and developing nations (US and China respectively).

Could global warming be very simply attributed to the heat given off by all of these combustion engines?

It would be interesting to figure it out. I just don't feel like it.

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