Dueling Banjos

This could be long and rambling.

Basically, it comes down to me having fought with and stayed angry at my sponsor and my sister.

I keep looking at the arguments, what I was trying to say, how I said it, how they perceived it, how they responded and then how I reacted.

I'm just not seeing me over reacting in it. If I did, I have no problem saying so, apologizing with full contrition, but I just.don't.see.it.

So, I've decided that it isn't me and that my cousin's husband is right - people say they want to help, but when it comes down to it, they won't.

The fight with my sister was the hardest for me. I'm not sure why. We've always had a hot/cold relationship. I think what angered me most was her saying I wasn't working my program. By saying I couldn't manage anymore, I'm not working my program? Whatever.

It's my conscience I have to live with. No one else's.

But a lot of hurt was dished out this week, buy 3 people. Mom, who thought I was going to go against her will on an issue that is very important to her; Sister who basically switched her thinking to my brother's and isn't going to help anymore; Bonnie, by telling me I'm projecting.

Well, I have to project. Being as disabled as I am, I don't have the luxury of letting things sneak up on me. I've got to be able to look ahead at what will be needed and slowly work toward it, so that when it is needed, I am or whatever is ready.

So this week, I've learned that I am indeed alone in this - being a disabled caregiver. I have an older brother and sister, the first is unemployed, the second lives out of town, and I'm all alone in dealing with my worsening dementia father, and lazy, non-compliant, almost in renal failure mother, a house that is 140 years old and in constant need of work and a pile of bills that doesn't shrink, but a DSS check that doesn't keep up.

It's actually a relief. I don't have to deal with my sister texting me about whatever BS TV show she's watching that either her partner doesn't want to watch or isn't home to watch. I don't watch much TV if I can help it. I've got too many other things to do or that I want to do to waste my time in front of the TV.

I don't have to hope that either of them will come to help. They won't. Period. They say that expectations are premeditated resentments. Some things you expect because you're family. But, I'm not expecting anything. You can't lower them any further than nothing.

And with guilt through association, I won't be expecting anything from my aunt either. Her husband isn't well and they are either catching up from being on a trip or preparing to go on a trip, so there's no way she can come over to do anything meaningful around here on a regular basis - which is what I need.

Plus, I don't have to expect anyone to come over to give me a break. That sucks, but since no one ever does anyway, I don't have to hope for it. It's as much a relief that the guy I was seeing doesn't come over anymore. I can get more done around the house.

It's odd how these things that should be added burdens are relieving. Trust me, disappointment is a heavier burden than knowing you have no choice but to be alone in your struggle.

I guess that's enough rambling for 1 night.