My personal thoughts about life with a disability and all other things I consider important in my life.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Dueling Banjos

This could be long and rambling.

Basically, it comes down to me having fought with and stayed angry at my sponsor and my sister.

I keep looking at the arguments, what I was trying to say, how I said it, how they perceived it, how they responded and then how I reacted.

I'm just not seeing me over reacting in it. If I did, I have no problem saying so, apologizing with full contrition, but I just.don't.see.it.

So, I've decided that it isn't me and that my cousin's husband is right - people say they want to help, but when it comes down to it, they won't.

The fight with my sister was the hardest for me. I'm not sure why. We've always had a hot/cold relationship. I think what angered me most was her saying I wasn't working my program. By saying I couldn't manage anymore, I'm not working my program? Whatever.

It's my conscience I have to live with. No one else's.

But a lot of hurt was dished out this week, buy 3 people. Mom, who thought I was going to go against her will on an issue that is very important to her; Sister who basically switched her thinking to my brother's and isn't going to help anymore; Bonnie, by telling me I'm projecting.

Well, I have to project. Being as disabled as I am, I don't have the luxury of letting things sneak up on me. I've got to be able to look ahead at what will be needed and slowly work toward it, so that when it is needed, I am or whatever is ready.

So this week, I've learned that I am indeed alone in this - being a disabled caregiver. I have an older brother and sister, the first is unemployed, the second lives out of town, and I'm all alone in dealing with my worsening dementia father, and lazy, non-compliant, almost in renal failure mother, a house that is 140 years old and in constant need of work and a pile of bills that doesn't shrink, but a DSS check that doesn't keep up.

It's actually a relief. I don't have to deal with my sister texting me about whatever BS TV show she's watching that either her partner doesn't want to watch or isn't home to watch. I don't watch much TV if I can help it. I've got too many other things to do or that I want to do to waste my time in front of the TV.

I don't have to hope that either of them will come to help. They won't. Period. They say that expectations are premeditated resentments. Some things you expect because you're family. But, I'm not expecting anything. You can't lower them any further than nothing.

And with guilt through association, I won't be expecting anything from my aunt either. Her husband isn't well and they are either catching up from being on a trip or preparing to go on a trip, so there's no way she can come over to do anything meaningful around here on a regular basis - which is what I need.

Plus, I don't have to expect anyone to come over to give me a break. That sucks, but since no one ever does anyway, I don't have to hope for it. It's as much a relief that the guy I was seeing doesn't come over anymore. I can get more done around the house.

It's odd how these things that should be added burdens are relieving. Trust me, disappointment is a heavier burden than knowing you have no choice but to be alone in your struggle.

I guess that's enough rambling for 1 night.

3 Comments:

Blogger Francoise said...

辣妹色情小說g8色情網站h色情文學區h色情漫畫購買色情漫畫購買色情影片資訊-色情小說西洋色情西洋色情短片西洋裸體色情片觀看免費色情影片觀賞男女色情試看色情片論壇色情影片高雄色情魔女色情魔女色情影片護士的色情a片護士色情護士色情影片豆豆聊天色情守門員貓咪色情論壇貼圖色情qq色情聊天胸部色情遊戲色情...自拍色情18色情5320色情a 色情a片色情a片遊戲色情a片免費看kiss色情a片免費短片色情a片圖片色情a片日本色情av色情ava片18禁色情av試看色情a圖色情a故事

1/12/2010 3:19 AM

 
Blogger 好想好好休息 said...

快樂是你與生俱來的權力,它不應該取決於你完成什麼。 ..................................................

2/27/2010 12:11 AM

 
Blogger touch said...

性關係情色vcdav寫真集台灣色情網台灣辣妹辣妹聊天室裸女寫真淫娃網免費視訊辣妹一夜情貼圖情色下載色情vcdav網女生奶頭情色影音色論壇成人影片交流性幻想女生自慰影片美女性交辣妹裸體色情美女情色交友自慰圖成人自拍貼圖上空秀黃色圖片情色性愛辣妹胸部一絲不掛成人網址成人18禁台灣性網一夜情人淫妹性愛招式脫衣辣妹視訊自拍成人色情網一夜情人聊天室情色貼圖
情色貼圖

3/17/2010 11:12 PM

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home