My personal thoughts about life with a disability and all other things I consider important in my life.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008


I walked some time away today.

Got thinking.

Christ made the decision to die. It was courageous. It was selfless. It was the supreme sacrifice.

When some of us make the decision to die, it's cowardly, and selfish.

Why is that?

He knew life would not get any better while he lived. So he chose to die.

I know life won't get any better while i live, so i choose to die. Life has gotten worse, not better.

I wonder if anyone has ever given in to the thought that only those brave enough to sacrifice life here in hell are the ones who get into heaven - not those who tarry on just to bitch, complain and make things worse for everyone and everything around them.

To me - the latter is the most selfish. To do nothing to make the world a better place for everyone - to only trudge along in a miserable existence, hoping someone else makes it better for THEM. That's the narcissistic.

Accepting that you can do no more and that it's time to move on - letting go. That isn't the selfish.

Monday, January 07, 2008


Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I die before I wake
Forgive me for being thankful

No preservation of body
No casket of metal
Pine is all I want
No vault to protect in death which wasn't protected in life

No stone marking my existance
Let me be invisible again to the world as I am to my family

I pray that God forgive me my sins
My wish for death
My plan for death
My need to give my soul the comfort of silence

Comfort me in my terror of hell,
what hell could be worse than inner torture
Of no escape

Darkness, silence, solitude have no pain

Sunday, January 06, 2008

So Tired

I am so tired of it all. Repetative, huh?

Well, I try, and I try. And I keep trying. Keep hoping. Keep thinking tomorrow will be better. And it just so rarely happens that I think I have hope.

I'm tired of being suicidal every year. I know I don't have it so bad compared to other people. I know it's a pity party for the most part. But my brain just isn't set up to understand that and cope with it.

I've had my meds increased - only to have the insurance company refuse to pay. So, it's been dropped back down suddenly. Not fun. Not helping.

But, I was this way last year, the year before and now this year.

I'm ready to be done. It's just not worth it.

I hate being so psychotic.