My personal thoughts about life with a disability and all other things I consider important in my life.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Blow Out

Well, I've definitely found out a few truths in my life. This house is too small for the 3 of us. I've been having incredible difficulty with everyone bumping into me, getting into my space, making me move unexpectedly.

I don't know when this started, or if it's always been this way. But it isn't working for me right now. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Last week I had a major blow out. I was mowing, opened the radio shack/shed to find standing water in it with water marks 3" up the furniture. The more I mowed, the angrier I got. I'm mad that I'm here and had to find it. I'm mad at myself because I feel responsible when I live with 2 other adults. I'm mad at my brother for pushing so hard to have M&D get this damn thing. I'm mad at Mom for thinking it was a great idea. I'm mad at Dad for the same reason. I'm mad because I've been telling them all summer long there was a water problem and they didn't do anything. I'm mad at Mom because she's playing the victim. I'm mad at Dad because he's playing the martyr - and yes there's a difference between victim and martyr. Subtle, but there. I'm mad because I can't do anything about any of that.

I got so angry that I'm still recovering. I'm still highly irritable. I'm still tired. Still dizzy.

I recognized that I had to let go of the whole thing that day, but am still paying for it. But - it's not my building and it's not my stuff.

But I'd like a chance for it to be my stuff. It was all wooden antiques that belonged to my grandparents. I've always loved that bedroom suite - and it's ruined. There's a really long story that goes with it besides - baggage - but it's ruined now. My sister always loved the diningroom set. Well, the chairs are toast. I'll try if I ever feel up to it, but I doubt they can be restored.

I'm heartbroken that the stuff is going to end up as pretty firewood when it didn't have to be.

I'd really like to know what Karma I'm dealing with right now.

So here I am, still trying to figure out a way to make that stupid shack work. I started a conversation about it with Dad. He took it personally, so we ended up snarling at each other with him buying roofing sealer to smear over the entire shack. If I hadn't donated the feather pillows, we could have some fun, but since I did, I'd rather not have a sticky black cube sitting behind the garage waiting for the nearby maple to start really shedding leaves. Just not what I think of as attractive or functional.

So I hid the sealant. When in Rome, learn Passive Agressive behavior.

So, back in rage hangover mode. Not a pretty place to be. Not as bad as last time, but still not a great place to be.

Am going to try to talk to Mom about warning me when she wants me to move rather than just charging me. Wish me luck.

Thursday, October 05, 2006


Sister, you need to come get me. Mom and Dad are pissing me off.

I definitely do better in a brighter atmosphere. This house is dark, and Dad decided he didn't like the halogen lamp that bright so he broke the bulb. You have GOT to love passive aggressive behavior. Trumping that is his dementia. So you always wonder if it's on purpose or accident. But the halogen lamp was definitely on purpose.

On bright spot - pun intended - is the antique brass lamp with original glass needs to be put out of service because the one piece of glass has a crack traveling. Any breaks will make the glass fall out and ruin the lamp both from a family perspective and a value perspective.

So, that damn yellow light will be gone! Life doesn't always suck. I'll be replacing it with an Ott light - true color flourescent lamp. Darn. LOL

But this house, with all the small rooms and twists and turns is killing my vertigo. I felt better at my sister's than I do here.

And this AM, a friend stopped for coffee. Not a problem. He's a great old guy. But all of a sudden, I'm in the kitchen and so is everyone else. Not only that, right up near me so I can't move without bumping into someone. That just makes me spin out of control - so much so it usually creates an instant rage reaction. I was ready to body slam them all. I finally asked if anyone else could step into the kitchen because I still had some room to move. They got the hint.

It's not like I just had this vertigo hit. It's been 5 years. I try to be alone in a room for a reason. Which is WHY I don't COOK! I can't have even 2 minute alone in that fucking room, much less the hour it would take to make a meal the way *I* like. I get too dizzy trying to work around everyone and so I just don't bother. Mom gets pissed because she's the only one cooking - well too fucking bad. You can't keep your fat ass out of the kitchen long enough for me to do something, you don't get any time off from it. Period.

Time to go outside and mow. Get rid of some of this rage. Then shower. Then nap. LOL It works every time.


Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Parable Of The Week

From a friend who also has vertigo:

Just up the road from my home is a field with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if you stop your car or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her halter is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her. As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray.
When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bellof those whom God places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see.
Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours. Good friends are like this . . . You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."