My personal thoughts about life with a disability and all other things I consider important in my life.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Call Me Jaded

I joke about how many gues are going to come to my door asking if there is a disabled, dizzy 40 y.o. female wanting a long term relationship.

Truth is, I don't. I'm lonely as hell, but I don't want one.

First - the man I thought I was in a LTR with - the one who said at least a half dozen times that he wanted to marry me - refused to help me when I became ill. Actually, that's a lie. He was willing to loan me $1G at 1 point over prime to be paid back within 6 months. True love, Baby.

Considering that G was a drop in the medical bill bucket, I not-so-respectfully declined and left as soon as I was healthy enough. I still ended up taking 3 weeks to go from DFW to upstate NY, taking time to recover again in KY at my best friend's house.

So, needless to say, I'm not thrilled with the possibility of such a stellar arrangement again. Besides, I figure the only guy who would find a nearly house-bound, dizzy broud attractive is an abusive controlling SOB who would delight in his own personal slave. Thanks anyway.

2nd - I feel relationships are an equal partnership. While I didn't make the money the above AH made (he worked at Texas Instruments), I did bring in landscaping, interior design, and house maintenance. During one of my more spiteful moments, I figured it out. If he had paid for all the crap I did around that house, compared to me paying half of the bills, he'd owe ME money.

Well, I can't do that now. I bring nothing of value to the table. I can't even keep the promise of a clean house, clean laundry and meals on the table. Everything would need to be built to my needs - an open floor plan (fewer bruised shoulders from turning corners too quickly), double decker dishwasher, elevated washer and dryer - front loading, etc. I can't even cover my own expenses. I'm doing my own bankrupcy because I can't afford the attorney.
So how can I trust anyone to not become resentful and use this kind of ammunition against me?

I can't.

Add the inability to drive any distance and not owning a vehicle, escape would be impossible. I will not succomb to what amounts to a debtor's prison.

I mean, how many guys are willing to do ALL the crap they did when single, but now for a second person - which adds to the amount you already do? I don't care what anyone says, it's more work when it's two than when it's one. I've done it. And while a relationship is work, it's also supposed to make things easier and more enjoyable, not more cumbersome.

I have hung out with guys all my life - out of the hundreds I have grown up with, gone to school and college with, worked with, managed at work, had clients of, friends of, there isn't one. And if I haven't found a single one in 40 years, what can you do to prove to me there's one out there? Not a whole lot.

Call me jaded. He doesn't exist.

8/21 - I forgot to add - don't start giving me that crap about "you have so many good qualities" and the infamous "I don't consider you disabled". They hold NO water with me.

My only social network is blood relatives and the internet. I'm able to take baked goods down to our local police department about twice a month, and I go to my chiropractor's twice a month. That is the extent of my socialization. I see 7 people regularly. Another 3 or 4 once a month and another 5 or 6 quarterly. That's it. You count the number of people you see 4 or more times a month, and then start giving me that crap.


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