My personal thoughts about life with a disability and all other things I consider important in my life.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Weary

Last night I realized how weary I am. Weary of life.

For so long I've dealt with health issues. And while I'm not dying or letting it slow me down, I get weary of the fight. The fight to get beyond the health problems.

I asked how long do I have to deal with this. This fight. A little while longer. Well, I want to know what a little while is really. My little while or God's little while? I suspect there's a large difference between the 2.

It just makes me feel so undeserving. Like, who - WHO - would want to be with someone with continuing health problems? I've been dumped twice because of my problems, and know so many others who have been as well. I also don't know of one who's found another understanding enough to accept them as they are and stick by them AFTER meeting them.

I'm weary.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, sister, can I relate to this! I am testing this out - if it works, then I will expound...

1/24/2007 8:45 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, some of our problem is codependency. Or giving to much of ourselves and not expecting much back in return. I am listening lately to Esther Hicks (Abraham Hicks) and if nothing else, I feel better about "like attracts like." When I wasn't disabled, I took care of everyone, financially and physically. And when I became disabled, I did it too. Now, I am being left by a person who says they just can't "live their life to the fullest" because of my disabilities. And this is after taking from me and wreaking major havoc in my life that I allowed, and some I didn't even know about.

I think the worst part of vestibular disability is that you feel so effing unreal. That's the best way to put it. It's like everyone else is real, but you are pretending that you are. It's a feeling that you cannot describe, and people don't care, because you "look good." If you have chronic pain issues, it adds to the feelings of helplessness and depression. I have felt sometimes that just killing myself would end this constant feeling of unreality and pain and feeling inferior, knowing my mind is fine but I don't have stamina or eyesight. I wonder why I survived cancer some days, and what that even means. But I just keep plugging away with the help of you and people like you, - doing the mundane, walking the dog the best I can - you know what I mean. I just can't believe how (on top of MS) limiting this disability is (including being on the computer). Soo, I better cut it short. But boy, do I understand. When people (significant others) think they can handle living with you having a chronic illness, they have to be really mature, and really know what love is. Love, S

1/24/2007 9:09 PM

 

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